I've been thinking a lot lately on this topic. Trying to assess the times when I can remember being really happy.... like... happy to my core. And, I wonder how often other people feel that way.... not just content, but happy. I remember the feeling very clearly. Maybe too clearly, because I miss it. I miss it a lot. The worst part about it, though, is that I have every reason in the world to BE happy. But, I swear to you... when I feel... I'll use the word "depressed", though it's not an accurate descriptor of the array of feelings I tend to wallow in... when I feel this way, it almost feels good in a way. There is a comfort in sadness. Maybe, because when you are feeling low, there is the hope that the future will be better. Perhaps I'm just spending too much time in the house. Maybe it's just the seasonal affective disorder (which will break soon with the spring weather). Maybe it's because I crave intense feelings.... be they good or bad. I don't know. I don't know what the answer is, I just know that I miss feeling really happy, and I want to know how to get there again. I miss being around people and laughing really hard. I miss being around other musicians. I miss being someone other than "mom" and "wife". I am fully aware of the fact that we always want what we don't have. I get that. And, if I sat and wrote a list of all of the awesome things in my life, I would be disgusted at myself for NOT being happier. I realize that my mental status does not help any of this. But, hell... they've got me on enough drugs to stabilize a herd of elephants, for god's sake. Which then begs the question: What would I be like if I WEREN'T on all of these fucking meds? (I bet that would be FUN!!!.... don't worry, Karin... I'm not thinking of doing without). Or... maybe that's what I equate feeling "really happy" to.... being manic. (If you've never been manic.... gahhhh... you are seriously missing out!) And, if that's what I'm equating "really happy" to, then I fear I'll never be "really happy" again, as that is the big no-no for my mental health experts! God forbid she be really happy!!! They much prefer a catatonic state to anything with real emotions. Though, they would rather err on the side of depression than mania (which I TOTALLY don't get).... because, apparently, depression is easier to snap you out of than mania. (The truth is... they know how addicting mania is, and they do NOT want you going there again.... it would be like trying to wean you off of heroin). I have no idea, now, what the point of all of this was. It turned into a stream of consciousness rant, rather than a post with any actual point.
I love math. I'm studying for the GRE right now, and it's amazing how much I have forgotten, but it's also amazing to realize how much I love the rationality of math. That there is always a direct means to the end. It's tangible. There are rules. There are steps that have to be taken. It's a glorious thing.
John + power tools = 911 on speed dial
Seriously... it makes me nervous every time I hear that power saw fire up.
I'll write a better post within the next few days. This one sucked! :P
Friday, March 13, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Slacker Extraordinaire!
Is there anything better than a clean house when the sun is shining? (that was a rhetorical question, as I do realize that there are quite a few things better than that... I'm more going for the "simple pleasures" vantage). I'm sure there are studies out there as to why the sun has a rejuvenating effect on people, but I'm too lazy to look it up right now. The point is: there is nothing like the promise of Spring right around the corner to lift your spirits. As much as I love wallowing in self-pity, admittedly, it feels good to feel optimistic again.
Baseball season, ahoy! I'll begin with MLB, as it has just been in the past three or four years that I have actually gone to any MLB games. My team is the Pittsburgh Pirates. I'm all about Pittsburgh in general. What an awesome city!! There is nothing like driving through the Ft. Pitt tunnel and having it open up onto that awesome view! Choochie needs to take me to Pittsburgh and get me more familiar with the ins and outs that she knows all about *hint*hint*. Anyway... baseball games in Pittsburgh are the greatest. Mrs. T's Pierogie runners, shooting t-shirts, launching hot dogs, the kids getting to run the bases.... it is summertime at its best! (Even though the Pirates tend to have losing seasons!) If you have never been to a MLB game, I highly recommend it at least once!
Now... little league baseball. This year, I'll have three little people playing baseball. Upon sign-up, you are given a packet of info. This info includes the season's fundraisers. Do you have ANY idea how badly I hate fundraisers? To begin with, they are scattered throughout the school year for the PTA... sell Easter candy, sell baubles and bits for Christmas, Relay for Life, Jump rope-a-thon.... it never ends. This year, for baseball, we have three fundraisers at once. I'll give you the
rundown: #1: Candy bars. $1 a piece. Delicious, delectable candy bars that sit in my house and slowly get eaten one by one as I put dollar upon dollar into that godforsaken box, and eventually eat every damned bar of chocolate by myself. It would have been better for me to just hand you the $30 and kept my ass from getting 30 lbs fatter. (actually, my ass tends to stay as flat as a board, but my back, arms, and face turn into tubs of butter... TMI). #2: Lottery Calendars. $20 a piece for a three month calendar. With the calendar, you get a ticket with a triple digit number. If that three digit number comes up in the PA lottery any of the particular days of those three months, you win the amount of money designated for that day. I will tell you right now that as soon as you show someone a three month calendar and then divulge the price of said quarter-year-calendar, laughter erupts. Or shock. Or an uneasy combination of both. So, those five calendars are looking for a home, if anyone is interested. #3: t-shirts and hoodies. That's right, kids... get in line for your Leetonia Baseball short sleeve tees, long sleeve tees, or hoodie sweatshirts! $10 for t-shirts, $14 for long sleeved tees, and $24 for hoodies. Now, if you don't live in the Leetonia School district, or could care less about Leetonia Baseball, fear not! You could always wear them to... umm.... exactly. :
Bottom line: I hate fundraisers. Ask me for a donation and I'll give it to you, but PLEASE... please don't make me try to sell a bunch of shit on your behalf. Thank you.
More later.
Baseball season, ahoy! I'll begin with MLB, as it has just been in the past three or four years that I have actually gone to any MLB games. My team is the Pittsburgh Pirates. I'm all about Pittsburgh in general. What an awesome city!! There is nothing like driving through the Ft. Pitt tunnel and having it open up onto that awesome view! Choochie needs to take me to Pittsburgh and get me more familiar with the ins and outs that she knows all about *hint*hint*. Anyway... baseball games in Pittsburgh are the greatest. Mrs. T's Pierogie runners, shooting t-shirts, launching hot dogs, the kids getting to run the bases.... it is summertime at its best! (Even though the Pirates tend to have losing seasons!) If you have never been to a MLB game, I highly recommend it at least once!
Now... little league baseball. This year, I'll have three little people playing baseball. Upon sign-up, you are given a packet of info. This info includes the season's fundraisers. Do you have ANY idea how badly I hate fundraisers? To begin with, they are scattered throughout the school year for the PTA... sell Easter candy, sell baubles and bits for Christmas, Relay for Life, Jump rope-a-thon.... it never ends. This year, for baseball, we have three fundraisers at once. I'll give you the
rundown: #1: Candy bars. $1 a piece. Delicious, delectable candy bars that sit in my house and slowly get eaten one by one as I put dollar upon dollar into that godforsaken box, and eventually eat every damned bar of chocolate by myself. It would have been better for me to just hand you the $30 and kept my ass from getting 30 lbs fatter. (actually, my ass tends to stay as flat as a board, but my back, arms, and face turn into tubs of butter... TMI). #2: Lottery Calendars. $20 a piece for a three month calendar. With the calendar, you get a ticket with a triple digit number. If that three digit number comes up in the PA lottery any of the particular days of those three months, you win the amount of money designated for that day. I will tell you right now that as soon as you show someone a three month calendar and then divulge the price of said quarter-year-calendar, laughter erupts. Or shock. Or an uneasy combination of both. So, those five calendars are looking for a home, if anyone is interested. #3: t-shirts and hoodies. That's right, kids... get in line for your Leetonia Baseball short sleeve tees, long sleeve tees, or hoodie sweatshirts! $10 for t-shirts, $14 for long sleeved tees, and $24 for hoodies. Now, if you don't live in the Leetonia School district, or could care less about Leetonia Baseball, fear not! You could always wear them to... umm.... exactly. :
Bottom line: I hate fundraisers. Ask me for a donation and I'll give it to you, but PLEASE... please don't make me try to sell a bunch of shit on your behalf. Thank you.
More later.
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