Shameful

That was seriously rude to leave that last post up for so long. Could I be more depressing? Yes... yes I could. But, Happy Easter weekend to everyone! I will now write a chippy blog to enlighten your wonderful days!
Most tropical marine fish could survive in a tank filled with human blood. True fact.
Glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. (and, thank GOD... because I eat a helluva lot of stamps!)
A blue whale gains approximately 200 pounds a day for the first seven months of its life. (there are days that I feel like that, too....)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. And that, my friends, is a very useful way to avoid monogamy.
The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene. Which is exactly why my sidekick is Koala Bob.

That is my contribution to useless information for the day.

Let's talk pirates. So, we all know about Cap'n Blue Beard, Cap'n Blackbeard, Cap'n Hook, Cap'n Crunch.... but, these were all piratey pirates... with the peg legs and the big beards and the parrot on their shoulders. And, they made GREAT STORIES... but, that's what they were to us... stories. Until now. Now they're real again... but, they have apparently changed uniforms. And, I don't like it one bit. That's like saying "hey, it's casual Friday" every damned day. People are not going to be taken seriously if they are not dressed professionally. If a pirate tried to hijack my ship (in a dinghy, at that... seriously... a dinghy?? ) and was wearing jeans and a t-shirt... not even a bandanna to be seen.... I would be like "dude... come back when you are dressed appropriately and have a real ship with cannons and stuff... then I'll interview you for the position". Completely unprofessional.

I think that I'm going to start pretending I'm oblivious to my surroundings, and see how people react to me. I realize that shopping carts are a bit cumbersome and unyielding, but seriously... they do have the ability to pull up to the shelves in a parallel fashion that is out of the way of other people trying to move productively through the establishment. When one sees someone they know and want to stop and talk, does the thought not cross your mind "let's pull this to the side, so that we're not intruding on other people's productivity."? Generally, the way I deal with these situations (partly for my own amusement, partly to see just how rude people are), is to stand in a menacing way... my buggy close to their positioning... obviously wanting to get through. I will stand there for four hours if that's how long it takes, because I WANT THEM TO FEEL THAT THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE IN THE WORLD OTHER THAN THEM! Do you seriously not realize that there are other people around you? Can you not sense that someone wants to get through? So, I shall now begin to BE one of these people, and see how others react to them. Do they just say "excuse me"? Do they make loud huffing noises? Do they outright say "Helloo.. I'm trying to get through, you oblivious idiot"? I will get back to you on the outcome of my little experiment.
Wood Wick candles are the most awesome things ever. I never cease to be amazed at how much money I/people pay for a glass filled with wax and a string (seriously... $20 for something that literally goes up in smoke??), but these candles are flipping awesome. It' like a tiny little crackling fire, just for your enjoyment.
I have decided to not ignore my chance for the prize patrol to show up at my door. And, let me just tell you... if I do win the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes, I deserve every damn dime of that motherfu**er! Do you realize how much mail you have to go through, how many papers... how many little stamps you have to find in the treasure hunt of fliers that are put in those envelopes? And, don't tell me that my chances won't be affected whether I buy something or not... I know your little mind games. I'm smarter than you.... I have you figured out. That's right... I bought a magazine subscription... and they are going to pay me back a million fold for my purchase. That look on my face when the Prize Patrol shows up at my door will not be a look of surprise... it will be a look of "damn right, I won! I bought a magazine!" So... keep an eye out for me holding that excessively large check. I'm all over it this time, baby.
I have been conned into going to church tomorrow. Kneel, stand, pray, genuflect, mumble stuff in unison with other people, sing a couple of songs to a roller rink organ playing "All skate down the center aisle... All skate....", then walk out and dream about getting home and out of those dress clothes. I will not deny being a heathen. I prefer to lay that out on the line before people have too high expectations of me. Don't leave your children with me... they will return corrupted.
Alright. My thoughts are dying out here. Feed on that for a while.