Happiness

I've been thinking a lot lately on this topic. Trying to assess the times when I can remember being really happy.... like... happy to my core. And, I wonder how often other people feel that way.... not just content, but happy. I remember the feeling very clearly. Maybe too clearly, because I miss it. I miss it a lot. The worst part about it, though, is that I have every reason in the world to BE happy. But, I swear to you... when I feel... I'll use the word "depressed", though it's not an accurate descriptor of the array of feelings I tend to wallow in... when I feel this way, it almost feels good in a way. There is a comfort in sadness. Maybe, because when you are feeling low, there is the hope that the future will be better. Perhaps I'm just spending too much time in the house. Maybe it's just the seasonal affective disorder (which will break soon with the spring weather). Maybe it's because I crave intense feelings.... be they good or bad. I don't know. I don't know what the answer is, I just know that I miss feeling really happy, and I want to know how to get there again. I miss being around people and laughing really hard. I miss being around other musicians. I miss being someone other than "mom" and "wife". I am fully aware of the fact that we always want what we don't have. I get that. And, if I sat and wrote a list of all of the awesome things in my life, I would be disgusted at myself for NOT being happier. I realize that my mental status does not help any of this. But, hell... they've got me on enough drugs to stabilize a herd of elephants, for god's sake. Which then begs the question: What would I be like if I WEREN'T on all of these fucking meds? (I bet that would be FUN!!!.... don't worry, Karin... I'm not thinking of doing without). Or... maybe that's what I equate feeling "really happy" to.... being manic. (If you've never been manic.... gahhhh... you are seriously missing out!) And, if that's what I'm equating "really happy" to, then I fear I'll never be "really happy" again, as that is the big no-no for my mental health experts! God forbid she be really happy!!! They much prefer a catatonic state to anything with real emotions. Though, they would rather err on the side of depression than mania (which I TOTALLY don't get).... because, apparently, depression is easier to snap you out of than mania. (The truth is... they know how addicting mania is, and they do NOT want you going there again.... it would be like trying to wean you off of heroin). I have no idea, now, what the point of all of this was. It turned into a stream of consciousness rant, rather than a post with any actual point.
I love math. I'm studying for the GRE right now, and it's amazing how much I have forgotten, but it's also amazing to realize how much I love the rationality of math. That there is always a direct means to the end. It's tangible. There are rules. There are steps that have to be taken. It's a glorious thing.
John + power tools = 911 on speed dial
Seriously... it makes me nervous every time I hear that power saw fire up.
I'll write a better post within the next few days. This one sucked! :P