Holy Crap.... I haven't updated since EASTER???

Obviously, someone needs to manage their time better. Not me, obviously... but, someone... I think you know who you are....
So, what's on the topic board for today? Hmm... I'm looking.... and the survey says.... NOTHING! Anyone have any topics upon which I can wax ecstatic?
I had no idea that such a thing as pubic wigs existed, but I have come to find out: not only do they exist, they have a name, and they have been in use since the 1400's!! (I would like to thank Sarah Lynch's friend, Amy, for bringing this topic to my attention. I would also like to thank Wikipedia for further educating me on said topic). A pubic wig is called a "merkin". Upon further ponderance, I think that I am going to end this topic right now.... people of sensitive disposition may be offended if I go into further detail. The bottom line is: I had no idea that there was ever such a thing as pubic wigs, and it utterly fascinates me. Is that where the term "rug muncher" came from? How is it held on? How much does it cover? Are they obviously fake, like a bad toupee? Where would one purchase such an object? Do they automatically come with tassels? Is there such a thing as "female pattern baldness" that I don't know about? Is it worn to cover up a bad haircut? I think that's enough on this subject.
I think I may have started with my most interesting/entertaining subject. That's an indicator of poor writing skills, I must say. Not even the Salem News would hire me to write their want ads at this point.
I love Chinese food, but why do they always use the nastiest meat possible? I love General Tso's chicken (who was this General Tso, btw? Is he an historical figure? (And, don't question my use of "an" versus "a" before the word "historical".... both can be used.) Is he the General of Deliciosity?), but the meat is always nasty. Yet, I can't resist the sauce... that delicious, amazing sauce. Also: if you have never had the pleasure of tasting the Quizno's Jimmy Sauce (that's not what it's really called, but that's what I call it for unknown reasons)... I actually think it's called Batch 47 or someshitlikethat...it's their version of hot sauce, and it is ADDICTIVE. It is HOT hot, but it's so tasty that you can't stop yourself from eating it. It gets to the point where tears are running down your face and your nose is in constant leak mode, but you continue eating it, because it's the most delicious torture you have ever experienced. SO GOOD! I think it's a really bad idea to get me started on the subject of food, so I will end this rant right now. God, I love food. It's a miracle that I don't weigh 300 lobs. (Yes, I meant lobs.... it's an inside joke with Tracy.... shut it).
Speaking of... don't you HATE inside jokes? Way to exclude everyone around you, douchebag. "Hey, I wonder how many people I can alienate at once? All but one? SUCCESS!"
Is this long enough? Did I write enough to appease the masses? (HA!! I like to pretend that masses give a shit about my blog.... I don't deny being delusional... I actually enjoy it)
Alright. I'm done with you. Quit stalking me.

Shameful

That was seriously rude to leave that last post up for so long. Could I be more depressing? Yes... yes I could. But, Happy Easter weekend to everyone! I will now write a chippy blog to enlighten your wonderful days!
Most tropical marine fish could survive in a tank filled with human blood. True fact.
Glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. (and, thank GOD... because I eat a helluva lot of stamps!)
A blue whale gains approximately 200 pounds a day for the first seven months of its life. (there are days that I feel like that, too....)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. And that, my friends, is a very useful way to avoid monogamy.
The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene. Which is exactly why my sidekick is Koala Bob.

That is my contribution to useless information for the day.

Let's talk pirates. So, we all know about Cap'n Blue Beard, Cap'n Blackbeard, Cap'n Hook, Cap'n Crunch.... but, these were all piratey pirates... with the peg legs and the big beards and the parrot on their shoulders. And, they made GREAT STORIES... but, that's what they were to us... stories. Until now. Now they're real again... but, they have apparently changed uniforms. And, I don't like it one bit. That's like saying "hey, it's casual Friday" every damned day. People are not going to be taken seriously if they are not dressed professionally. If a pirate tried to hijack my ship (in a dinghy, at that... seriously... a dinghy?? ) and was wearing jeans and a t-shirt... not even a bandanna to be seen.... I would be like "dude... come back when you are dressed appropriately and have a real ship with cannons and stuff... then I'll interview you for the position". Completely unprofessional.

I think that I'm going to start pretending I'm oblivious to my surroundings, and see how people react to me. I realize that shopping carts are a bit cumbersome and unyielding, but seriously... they do have the ability to pull up to the shelves in a parallel fashion that is out of the way of other people trying to move productively through the establishment. When one sees someone they know and want to stop and talk, does the thought not cross your mind "let's pull this to the side, so that we're not intruding on other people's productivity."? Generally, the way I deal with these situations (partly for my own amusement, partly to see just how rude people are), is to stand in a menacing way... my buggy close to their positioning... obviously wanting to get through. I will stand there for four hours if that's how long it takes, because I WANT THEM TO FEEL THAT THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE IN THE WORLD OTHER THAN THEM! Do you seriously not realize that there are other people around you? Can you not sense that someone wants to get through? So, I shall now begin to BE one of these people, and see how others react to them. Do they just say "excuse me"? Do they make loud huffing noises? Do they outright say "Helloo.. I'm trying to get through, you oblivious idiot"? I will get back to you on the outcome of my little experiment.
Wood Wick candles are the most awesome things ever. I never cease to be amazed at how much money I/people pay for a glass filled with wax and a string (seriously... $20 for something that literally goes up in smoke??), but these candles are flipping awesome. It' like a tiny little crackling fire, just for your enjoyment.
I have decided to not ignore my chance for the prize patrol to show up at my door. And, let me just tell you... if I do win the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes, I deserve every damn dime of that motherfu**er! Do you realize how much mail you have to go through, how many papers... how many little stamps you have to find in the treasure hunt of fliers that are put in those envelopes? And, don't tell me that my chances won't be affected whether I buy something or not... I know your little mind games. I'm smarter than you.... I have you figured out. That's right... I bought a magazine subscription... and they are going to pay me back a million fold for my purchase. That look on my face when the Prize Patrol shows up at my door will not be a look of surprise... it will be a look of "damn right, I won! I bought a magazine!" So... keep an eye out for me holding that excessively large check. I'm all over it this time, baby.
I have been conned into going to church tomorrow. Kneel, stand, pray, genuflect, mumble stuff in unison with other people, sing a couple of songs to a roller rink organ playing "All skate down the center aisle... All skate....", then walk out and dream about getting home and out of those dress clothes. I will not deny being a heathen. I prefer to lay that out on the line before people have too high expectations of me. Don't leave your children with me... they will return corrupted.
Alright. My thoughts are dying out here. Feed on that for a while.

Happiness

I've been thinking a lot lately on this topic. Trying to assess the times when I can remember being really happy.... like... happy to my core. And, I wonder how often other people feel that way.... not just content, but happy. I remember the feeling very clearly. Maybe too clearly, because I miss it. I miss it a lot. The worst part about it, though, is that I have every reason in the world to BE happy. But, I swear to you... when I feel... I'll use the word "depressed", though it's not an accurate descriptor of the array of feelings I tend to wallow in... when I feel this way, it almost feels good in a way. There is a comfort in sadness. Maybe, because when you are feeling low, there is the hope that the future will be better. Perhaps I'm just spending too much time in the house. Maybe it's just the seasonal affective disorder (which will break soon with the spring weather). Maybe it's because I crave intense feelings.... be they good or bad. I don't know. I don't know what the answer is, I just know that I miss feeling really happy, and I want to know how to get there again. I miss being around people and laughing really hard. I miss being around other musicians. I miss being someone other than "mom" and "wife". I am fully aware of the fact that we always want what we don't have. I get that. And, if I sat and wrote a list of all of the awesome things in my life, I would be disgusted at myself for NOT being happier. I realize that my mental status does not help any of this. But, hell... they've got me on enough drugs to stabilize a herd of elephants, for god's sake. Which then begs the question: What would I be like if I WEREN'T on all of these fucking meds? (I bet that would be FUN!!!.... don't worry, Karin... I'm not thinking of doing without). Or... maybe that's what I equate feeling "really happy" to.... being manic. (If you've never been manic.... gahhhh... you are seriously missing out!) And, if that's what I'm equating "really happy" to, then I fear I'll never be "really happy" again, as that is the big no-no for my mental health experts! God forbid she be really happy!!! They much prefer a catatonic state to anything with real emotions. Though, they would rather err on the side of depression than mania (which I TOTALLY don't get).... because, apparently, depression is easier to snap you out of than mania. (The truth is... they know how addicting mania is, and they do NOT want you going there again.... it would be like trying to wean you off of heroin). I have no idea, now, what the point of all of this was. It turned into a stream of consciousness rant, rather than a post with any actual point.
I love math. I'm studying for the GRE right now, and it's amazing how much I have forgotten, but it's also amazing to realize how much I love the rationality of math. That there is always a direct means to the end. It's tangible. There are rules. There are steps that have to be taken. It's a glorious thing.
John + power tools = 911 on speed dial
Seriously... it makes me nervous every time I hear that power saw fire up.
I'll write a better post within the next few days. This one sucked! :P

Slacker Extraordinaire!

Is there anything better than a clean house when the sun is shining? (that was a rhetorical question, as I do realize that there are quite a few things better than that... I'm more going for the "simple pleasures" vantage). I'm sure there are studies out there as to why the sun has a rejuvenating effect on people, but I'm too lazy to look it up right now. The point is: there is nothing like the promise of Spring right around the corner to lift your spirits. As much as I love wallowing in self-pity, admittedly, it feels good to feel optimistic again.
Baseball season, ahoy! I'll begin with MLB, as it has just been in the past three or four years that I have actually gone to any MLB games. My team is the Pittsburgh Pirates. I'm all about Pittsburgh in general. What an awesome city!! There is nothing like driving through the Ft. Pitt tunnel and having it open up onto that awesome view! Choochie needs to take me to Pittsburgh and get me more familiar with the ins and outs that she knows all about *hint*hint*. Anyway... baseball games in Pittsburgh are the greatest. Mrs. T's Pierogie runners, shooting t-shirts, launching hot dogs, the kids getting to run the bases.... it is summertime at its best! (Even though the Pirates tend to have losing seasons!) If you have never been to a MLB game, I highly recommend it at least once!
Now... little league baseball. This year, I'll have three little people playing baseball. Upon sign-up, you are given a packet of info. This info includes the season's fundraisers. Do you have ANY idea how badly I hate fundraisers? To begin with, they are scattered throughout the school year for the PTA... sell Easter candy, sell baubles and bits for Christmas, Relay for Life, Jump rope-a-thon.... it never ends. This year, for baseball, we have three fundraisers at once. I'll give you the
rundown: #1: Candy bars. $1 a piece. Delicious, delectable candy bars that sit in my house and slowly get eaten one by one as I put dollar upon dollar into that godforsaken box, and eventually eat every damned bar of chocolate by myself. It would have been better for me to just hand you the $30 and kept my ass from getting 30 lbs fatter. (actually, my ass tends to stay as flat as a board, but my back, arms, and face turn into tubs of butter... TMI). #2: Lottery Calendars. $20 a piece for a three month calendar. With the calendar, you get a ticket with a triple digit number. If that three digit number comes up in the PA lottery any of the particular days of those three months, you win the amount of money designated for that day. I will tell you right now that as soon as you show someone a three month calendar and then divulge the price of said quarter-year-calendar, laughter erupts. Or shock. Or an uneasy combination of both. So, those five calendars are looking for a home, if anyone is interested. #3: t-shirts and hoodies. That's right, kids... get in line for your Leetonia Baseball short sleeve tees, long sleeve tees, or hoodie sweatshirts! $10 for t-shirts, $14 for long sleeved tees, and $24 for hoodies. Now, if you don't live in the Leetonia School district, or could care less about Leetonia Baseball, fear not! You could always wear them to... umm.... exactly. :
Bottom line: I hate fundraisers. Ask me for a donation and I'll give it to you, but PLEASE... please don't make me try to sell a bunch of shit on your behalf. Thank you.
More later.

Fox News is weird.

Don't worry, I'm not going to get into politics. I know I"m not going to change anyone's mind on issues such as capital punishment, taxes, abortion, benefits of liberal or conservative views, etc., nor do I think anyone will change my own views on these issues. I get tired of debating with people (*cough*MATT*cough*) when the outcome is always the same. So, in an effort to keep everyone's blood pressure down, we will skirt any issues dealing with a) politics, b) religion, c)how to raise kids, and anything else that will never be resolved.
Currently, I'm at the hospital. My Dad is having knee replacement surgery today. (YAY!) That poor man has been gimping around for years now. I really hope that this gives him a new lease on life.
Let's talk chimps, shall we? Let me begin with baboons. When I was little, I remember hearing how vicious baboons were. I remember hearing something about baboons attacking safari cars in Africa and the whole bit. But, let me tell you... baboons have got NOTHING on chimps. Those motherfuckers are ROBOTS. Well, cannibalistic, vicious attacking robots. They will eat their own kind from rival tribes. Occurrences of chimps stealing/attacking human babies in remote Africa are on the rise. The chimps are "hunting" these babies for FOOD! So, no more "The dingo ate my babeh!" ... we now have chimps. "The chimp stole my babeh!" Damn right it did, and it ate its hands and feet off first before ripping into its face. I'm sure, by now, we've all heard about the woman in Connecticut who was attacked by the 200lb. pet chimp. The chimp attacked a 55 year old woman, first biting and maiming her hands (I had heard one story that said her hands were bitten off, another that said they were just horribly torn up... either way, the chimp is smart enough to go after their victims most dangerous weapons, first... CRAZY!) Then it went after her neck and head. It attacked her eyes, chewed off her nose ... essentially made her unrecognizable... tore her face off. The owner of the chimp, who says the chimp was like a child to her, went after the chimp with a knife, stabbing it multiple times to try to stop the attack. She then got a shovel and beat the chimp repeatedly. It didn't phase the chimp. When cops finally got there, the chimp went after one of the patrol cars, so an officer shot the chimp multiple times. The chimp STILL didn't go down... that sucker walked away and eventually died soon after. Stabbed, beat with a shovel, and shot multiple times... that is a horror flic waiting to be made!!!
The best supporting actor was GIVEN to Heath Ledger. Tell me another instance where an actor was even NOMINATED for a role in a comic book/superhero action movie. If he hadn't died, that performance would have been talked about a lot, but there is no way it would have been deemed Oscar worthy. I thought that was crap.
I'm starting to zone out. Whoever invented 4am should be shot. I am not amused.
Oh, one more story. I was at WalMart the other day, and the cashier asked me "how are you?" and I gave my scripted response "I'm well, thank you". Well, the cashier looked at me, and said "what??". I said... a bit more slowly this time... "I'm well... thank you?". She laughed and said "I thought you said "I'm wealthy", and I thought "well, this lady has some nerve"". HA!
I'm hungry for a bagel.